Daddy of the Year Course
Chapter 1: Mama Time- putting your spouse back on the pedestal
Chapter 2: Don’t Be the Screamer-stop embarrassing your kids
Chapter 3: Tornado Alley- keeping yourself safe while the wind blows
Chapter 4: The Vacuum- Learning to work alongside your kids
Chapter 5: The Tramp-Creating a great place to get to know their hearts
Chapter 6: Prom Night- Making your home the place where everyone comes
Chapter 7: 10 Mistakes- Hold off until you learn a better way
Chapter 8: Daddy Dates- Bonding and creating the best of memories
Chapter 9: Steamroller- games that will bring you so much joy
Chapter 10: Teach ‘em to Pray- Connection with deity is crucial
Chapter 11: Daddy Interviews-questions that change lives
Chapter 12: Make Them Laugh-Humor the old fashion way
Chapter 13: Stock Market Crash-Why don’t we teach them money?
Chapter 14: Eat What?-There's more to eat than Ben and Jerry’s
Chapter 15: The Jeep-The power of putting your kids to bed
Chapter 16: Daddy Trips- Best trip I ever took in 24 hours
Chapter 17: Daddy Devotionals-Sharing your sage
Chapter 18: The 4 C’s- destructive to the core
This Book is dedicated to my two Grandfathers
As an lifelong avid golfer, I tend to think about life primarily in golf terms. If you are not a golfer, I hope you will forgive me for using the “18 Holes” language that I do. However, even for you non-golfers, it should be easy to follow. Put simply, a typical golf course has 18 holes, a front nine and a back nine. Because of this, the structure of my book made perfect sense to me written in this golf-like style. Golf has made me a better man, and I am grateful for the many ways it has taught me.
I would also like to thank my own father Alton, who has been so inspiring to me over the years. A true warrior of Daddy’s of the year everywhere and my example in so many facets of life. To the countless other Dad’s, so many people I have to be grateful for who have influenced my life for good and taught me the importance of being a dad. From my golfer grandfather and idol, Lorin B. Daniels, to the dozens of men who have influenced my life in so many fascinating ways, this book is dedicated to you. To my Grandfather Frank Schroeder who I have never met, as he drank himself to death and died when he was only 44 years of age. It is also a tribute to Dad’s everywhere who, like me, feel an overwhelming responsibility. Finally, I am grateful to my loving wife who has made me a better dad than I ever could have been without her. I am so grateful for the support that she has given me as “Dad” for over 30 years now.
As a family financial counselor and a family advisor for the past 32 years, I thought it would be fun to accumulate some of the many fantastic experiences I have both learned along the way and the hundreds of things I have been taught from my clients and friends. This book is a compilation of many wonderful ideas, thoughts and stories that will help make any man stronger, happier and put yourself in the running for Daddy of the Year; the most coveted award.
At a family reunion with my Dad, I just happened to be at the right place at the right time. I was playing catch with my brother Ron and just about 30 feet away was my Dad talking with his two brothers Lew and Reed. I heard Reed say to my dad, “Well your father would have been proud of you for that?” What I gasped, “Don’t you two have the same father?” The look on my father's face was one I will never forget and he said back to me “it looks like I have got some explaining to do.” All those years I thought my last name was Wade, when in reality it was Schroeder.
Yes, from the land of Germany. As you might imagine, I was so ready to talk to my dad and have him tell me about his story, and why he had never shared with me the real story about my grandfather. It was a very solemn meeting to say the least where my father let me know about how he never knew his father and the only time he ever met him was at his funeral. He was born to Emily and Frank in 1943 and approximately 3 months after my father was born, they divorced. He was then aligned with his mother's parents who lived a few hours away and they helped to raise, if not raised my father most of his youth.
My amazing dad was raised without the loving care of his biological father. I have many times asked my dad, “Why were you such a dedicated and committed father?” I will forever remember many of his many answers, but none more than this one, “Because I never had one attend my games, put me to bed, tell me he loved me, take a picture of me on my first date, take me fishing, and I did not want you to have that same experience.” Fortunately, I did not. My dad married his sweetheart Diana and together they had eight children. Because I come from a family with amazing parents and outstanding siblings one in particular my sister Cindy who is Down’s syndrome, I have been immersed in familial love since the day I was born. Even as a young child, I can remember being very excited to have a family of my own, and have loved the title “Dad” more than any other title I have ever received.
Truly, I consider the greatest gift my parents ever gave me to be the strong desire they had to be great parents. Because of this, I have spent my life learning, preparing, and growing, and making countless mistakes, as I have tried to follow their example in parenthood. Because of the happiness and joy that they provided for me to experience first hand, I have desired to raise my five kids in a similarly loving, supportive, kind, and generous and millions of mistakes environment and my greatest hope that someone who reads this book will make that their number one goal to and therefore change the stars of someones life for the better.
Many times in my years of counseling, men will come in and say “I have the best marriage!” My question to them is always the same, “according to who? Or compared to who?” We have egotized everything in our culture to the point that we even believe things like “I have the best marriage.” How about I have a better marriage than I used to have, or I am working on my marriage with great resolve? Or my marriage means the world to me and I want to make it the best I possibly can!”
Many fathers are not experiencing success in their role as dad, husband, soul mate and that to me, is devastating. If we do not make the needed changes in our lives, I fear that we will continue to watch more and more dad’s lose their enthusiasm for fatherhood. The position that a father has in society is too precious to lose. Dads are, in my opinion, just as important as mothers, and are desperately needed in families. While it is not my intention to rank parents, not compare them, I think we all understand the following depiction: If my mom and dad were out on a sailboat and the boat began to sink, us eight children would swim and rescue my mother, while trusting that my dad would find his way back to shore. Mother’s are simply the greatest thing to ever come into this world, and we must cherish them too. What would I have done without my inspiring, believing, always there to stand up for me, mother? However, I must also add, what would I do without my amazing, exemplary, kind and thoughtful dad?
My hope in writing this book is to share with you some of the insights and valuable information that I have gained over a lifetime of learning from my own dad, from countless individuals that I have interviewed and counseled with and from practicing myself. After all, isn’t that what we really are doing here in life is just practicing? I think that is the core of our existence. Because of that belief, this book will help you to become “Daddy of the Year.” Let me give you some back story on what I mean by that.
On Christmas Day, 2014, my oldest son of five children presented me with an award that was titled “Daddy of the Year.” I have never been more proud of any other award I had previously earned in my life. Indeed, in my 55 years of many different types of sporting awards, trophies, and business plaques, none will ever come close to the award of “Daddy of the Year” from my kids. This is truly a gift that I will cherish throughout my life as the best award I have ever received. It also made me want to receive the award every year, nd the coolest thing is, you can do that, it’s not a club or birthright or something that is not attainable for every man on this planet, we all can get the best award known to mankind, and I hope this book will inspire you to seek after this award with all the energy you can muster.
I wish to instill in you inspiration that if you implement the 18 chapters along with the many suggestions that I and countless others present in this book, you will likewise be deserving of a “Daddy of the Year” award. The best part is that everyone can win. Everyone can be that Daddy of the Year. Can I say that one more time. Everyone!
I grew up in an extremely competitive environment in the world of sports and we all know how dangerous that can be and this is not a competition, it’s a privilege and an honor, so make that shift right now from trying to be the best Dad, to just being one and the desire to be one will become stronger and stronger to you in each passing day.
These suggestions, if followed with a joyful intention, will instill in your heart a greater desire to want to be a dad. In this role, you will feel an abundance of joy that comes from learning the proper tools and techniques that will bring success.
In the back of this book is a certificate that I have created for you. I want you to go to it and rip it out right now. The first one is called “How to Become the Daddy of the Year.” Put it up on your mirror or at your desk at work to remind you of what you are learning here. I believe this will help you to better implement it as you learn and then practice these suggestions. Then, when you have completed the book, rip out the second certificate, sign it, and put it up on your wall.
In over 30 years of counseling and working with all different types of people with different experiences, I have realized something of great worth that I hope you, too, come to understand as you read these 18 chapters. Being a father is one thing, but being a Dad is another. You may say, Aren’t they the same thing? Isn’t that just a play on words? However, by the time you get done reading this book I hope to instill a clear and precise picture of what it means to be a “Dad.” This is who you were born to be. Everyone has a biological father, but the numbers are staggering about those who really have a Dad. I’ve been fortunate enough to have one, and I likewise want to be the best one I can be and hope this book will inspire you to be the best one you can possibly be. There is a great thoughts “ That it's’ more difficult to get to the top then it is to stay there” You hear that in many circles. My plea to all of you is LET'S STAY THERE.
So, it’s time to start playing the course. Follow and play each one of the following 18 holes and when you’re done reading and implementing these skills in your own “daddy” style, you will be well on your way to a joy that I could never adequately articulate in a book. Truly, the joy I feel from being a father is felt from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. It is my hope that after reading this book, the joy you find in being a dad will also increase and the memories and the experiences that will come to you and your family will be the richest of all your treasures on earth. I believe that they are and will be for
Starting out with a super negative introduction here, forgive me, it’s not my style, but it’s necessary right now. Unfortunately most people don’t make changes until turmoil has hit. A state where they have just had something traumatic, devastating or earth shattering. Why do we wait for those things to happen before our marriage is just about broken or beyond repair, and our relationships with our children has soured to the point it may not be repairable.
The purpose of writing this book is two fold. #1 to support all those Dads who may be giving up or losing the passion they once had to be the best dad possible. #2, to share some great ideas that I have learned from hundreds if not thousands of men who have told me and showed me some great ideas on how to improve being a dad and some great tools and techniques that can be implement to do just that. We all have these questions blowing around in our heads: Here are just a few samplers:
1- Will I be the kind of Dad that my kids want to hang around?
2- Can I do all that is required to become a great dad?
3- Do I really want to be a Dad and put forth all the effort needed?
4- Am I cut out to be a Dad even though my Dad was not around?
Questions like these and thousands of others are common among all of us. A seemingly large percentage of us tend to wonder if we really are capable of doing all that is necessary to crowned with the most coveted prize “Daddy of the Year” In my opinion more people struggle with the needed skills and learning techniques than they do with the desire to give it an honest shot. I think many are afraid of the financial and emotional commitment that can be overwhelming to the majority of us. There are many reasons we shutter at the call.
63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (US Dept. Of Health/Census) – 5 times the average. 35-40% of children live in a home without their biological father’s presence (U.S. Census Bureau, 2010). As this statistic shows, it appears that we are losing traction on the need for fathers to be in their children’s lives. Furthermore, I would bet that the remaining percentage of children that experience the physical presence of their fathers live without the emotional presence of a “Dad.” Truly, I believe we have lost sight of the importance of good dads in our society, and that the role has taken a back seat to many other things much less important and valuable
Why? What is happening to our families? What is happening to the values that have been cherished and therefore benefited so many people over the years? What is your first thought of fatherhood? What is it that you want to provide for your children?
Many fathers are just giving up. Many are disenchanted with their role as a parent. Perhaps you are in this category. While it is true that raising children is exhausting, time consuming, extremely selfless, it is my hope that we might regain some of the chest beating, tarzan-like character that make up good dads. Hope is needed in order to break this trend. Furthermore, good education on how to do so is even more needed. Being a father is relatively easy to do, but becoming a dad takes all you have. Indeed, it takes a great deal of sacrifice and commitment to your children and spouse. With the changes and attacks that have been made on the family, it appears that many men are questioning and confused as to what it means to be a dad. Fortunately, the following 18 holes should paint a pretty clear picture on what I believe will make every dad successful.
I would like to begin by posing three questions. Please take a moment to write down your answers to these questions.
Question #1 - What does it mean to you to be a Dad? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Question #2 - Why do people rank family as the most important thing in their
lives in pretty much every seminar or self help meeting or book that we go,yet
more families are falling apart than before?___________________________
Question #3 What are the 5 best qualities you’ve learned from other Dad’s
Question #4 Pretend that you have the opportunity to write down on your headstone what you really want to be there with regards to being a Dad, What would it say about you.
Everyone, including you, knows the realities of the attacks that are being made against the family. The idea of a stable family is taking a beating in our society today. Everyone knows at least one family that has been torn apart by divorce, infidelity, or countless other options. I have often wondered if being a dad is really that “stud” title that I believed it was growing up. Do good dads really exist and want to play on the course anymore? I truly believe that it was once the most coveted trophy in the game. However, I am afraid that it’s been slipping as of a late and I feel a big urgency to get it back before too much damage is done.
Take a moment to reflect on some of the memories you had with your dad. I have many amazing ones, including the times he carried me in his arms off the plane in Hawaii, Fiji, and New Zealand. I remember how--while living in New Zealand--he would wake me up at 4:30 a.m. to go fishing. I also remember him sitting on the second row at every single one of my junior high basketball games, even when I was not playing much at all. It’s always been meaningful to me that he would root me on as I made mistake after mistake on the court, and yet, after the game, he would always tell me that I “looked good out on the court.” I also remember some of the more simple moments, like when he would ask me to put on my white shirt and tie for church, even when I did not want to go or wear those clothes. I remember watching him roll up his sleeves and help my mother in the kitchen and the times he would make me homemade popcorn and watch movies with us kids or how he would always tuck me into bed and tell me I was a champion in his eyes.
My dad did all of these things, even though he did not have his father while growing up. You, too, may be hurting from a fatherless childhood, or with a deadbeat father. You may have been dealt an unfair hand, a father who beat you physically or verbally and so on. Perhaps, you are currently that “deadbeat” father as well. No matter what your current state is or your own experience with your father was, please give this book a chance to help you realize that being a dad is the coolest thing ever. Give it a chance. If there is one thing I believe in, it’s mulligans, both on the golf course and in real life.
As challenging as this book may be for many of you, the key to this entire process of becoming Daddy of the Year is to remember this. Concentrate on creating character. Concentrate on creating memories. Live what it is that you want to teach your children. Trust your gut and your intuition and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Strive for excellence and not perfection and above all of this, be humble and real and forgiving to yourself and to your children and spouse or this entire Daddy of the Year concept will come crumbling down and that is not what we desire in the end.
The Pillars concept:
Before we begin there is a key concept I want to share with each of you that I call the Pillars. There are 4 on each side that are critical to memorize as we move forward. It’s crucial to memorize the shot selection, the rhythm and timing of how this works. It will help you a great deal in the flow of being a dad.
This is the Left side- like your left hand
This is the Right side- Like your right hand
What I believe is necessary for every human to make change is to understand how these work synergistically to give you the end result that you want. So for the sake of this book let me give you an example.
#1Vision- I want to begin and maintain a fabulous relationship with my children, and spouse,vibrant, interactive, full of fun and be their for them at every turn. This is now my Vision:
#2 Plan- I want to begin here by coming up with the ideas that will facilitate and create a great relationship, so things like a weekly daddy date are a great example. Matches up with #2 on the other side, creating great habits.
#3-Action- I begin to put that down on the calendar so that I begin the action, then I move back to the other side when I say my plan is take Johnny from 7-8 pm every Thursday night for his date and then I do that for 8 weeks in a row and each week I do something different, like bowling or go to the library or out to get a smoothie etc. until the consistency is there. Matches up with #3 consistency on the other side
#4 Measure- At that time I will begin to experience an enormous amount of #4 joy from the left hand or the other side, in our daddy dates and the relationship that means so much to me is beginning to take hold. As I measure my success it will be with great effort that we have been able to create lasting and meaningful memories together. I use these pillars in just about everything I do. I believe they will help you too.
Three fold trigger concept is another one of the methods that I use to keep myself sane as I parent and try to become that champion Dad. I really believe in this and I pray it helps you to as you embark on the quest of a lifetime.
#1 Get a friend who can support you and share this experience along with you.
#2 Make Sunday’s your day when you plan things out in advance, and all I ask of you is 15 minutes to set time aside on that day where you can concentrate and develop ideas that will stick and inspire you to become that Daddy of the year.
#3 Use visuals set up all around your bedroom and bathroom and in your phone that will remind you of what your doing and how meaningful it is. Use the alarm in your phone and messages and things that you have made or computer screens to guide you and assist you along the way. Yes you will have to wing it once in awhile because like me you're just not fired up all the time and sometimes you want to just sit and eat the entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s and not do a damn thing. I get it. It’s real and you're real so be prepared for some of that time but you will need these triggers to get you over the obstacles and into the Joy of Daddyness.
Mama Time- putting your spouse back on the pedestal
Hole #1 is something I am most passionate about, so I am sure this will come off quite strong. In fact, it may hit you right between the eyes and go straight to your heart. That jolt, however, is something that I hope will inspire you to improve, so I am willing to risk it for the biskit. This hole could very well be the most important concept this book offers. At the very least, it is an important foundation to all the rest. Before I dive into the content of how to be successful at this hole, I want you to ask yourself, “What am I doing to spend quality time with my wife (the mother of my children, the woman who gave birth to my children and allowed me to be a dad), each day?” Write some of your thoughts here: __________________________________________________________________
While I may be biased in this assessment, I happened to marry the coolest girl on this planet. She is amazing, beautiful, and fun to be around. We have five amazing children who she both gave birth to and practically raised with a bit of help from me. However, I have seen in almost every case (including my own), that bringing children into the equation and starting a family widens the gap between couples. Suddenly, it is very difficult to find a second to breath and spend quality time together. I get that.
However, is it impossible to find a way to combat this? The answer is actually quite simple, and need I say necessary, but it requires first acknowledging that it is a problem, and then putting in effort to combat the division that children will cause between us..
I want you to evaluate how you spend your time. Most likely, the most detrimental time-sucker for you is your career, where some of us may be away from our families from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. (or longer) on workdays. That is the most obvious one for sure, but is it really necessary that you work as much as you do? Furthermore, most of us have other time-sucking culprits, such as hobbies we pour our time into or hours that we spend exercising. We also enjoy “bro-nights” with our friends or we might spend too much time on the golf course (I,of course, am not at all guilty of the latter-ha). These are only a few possibilities. Of course, there are countless more things that are competing for our time. Trying to properly juggle these things can be one of the most difficult tasks we face in finding time to spend with our wife in between it all. However, finding a balance and setting boundaries so that you can spend quality time with her each day will help you to become a better dad. Let me explain.
Question #1 Where do you waste the most of your time?
Years ago, when I was really struggling with this balance as a young dad, I came up with the idea of taking my wife on a “date” every single day. Essentially, I made a commitment to find at least one moment every day to go out of my way to deliberately and intentionally spend time with her. I would do this by planning it either every night before I went to bed or even better, I would sit down with her on Sunday mornings before the week began and we would plan out our dates for the week together. (That was the key,every Sunday Morning) We would go through each day and think of creative dates that we could incorporate into our busy schedules. Sometimes those dates would be a simple walk around our neighborhood at 5:30 a.m. when the world was quiet. Other times the dates would be at 11 p.m. at night when we were both exhausted but decided to break open a popsicle and sit on the edge of the diving board of our pool, dangling our feet in the water and just talking.
Of course, I understand how hard it can be to manage everything just right while also trying to find time for each other. It is so easy to think we don’t have time to do this; we genuinely believe that we are too busy and must therefore focus on the more “pressing” things on our plate. However, that is exactly what I want to challenge you on. What is it like when your marriage is on the rocks? Why are there so many divorces? Why is that statistic increasing at the rate it is? Why are we falling in and out of love so quickly? What are the real reasons out there? I do not believe that the onslaught of porn, adultery, drugs, and dishonesty are the only things to blame. I believe the main reason we are failing as both husbands and dads is because we are not taking the time these relationships need to flourish, and we don’t learn the tools and strategies needed and so we gradually grow apart and lose that sense of closeness that we once knew.
Question#2 Write down 5 things you loved about your spouse prior to marrying her?
Question #3 Now write down 5 dates you can remember!
Hole #1 can fill us with hope! I can promise you that by making small and extra effort every day, you will quickly find that it is one of the best investments and commitments you will ever make. Your marriage will improve. You will remain close to your wife, and you will become a better dad. Think about it for a minute, one of the coolest and most enduring things that we love about mom is that she is never worried about herself, always giving and helping others without any expectations in return. Selfless in their very nature, willing to climb up on the table of life and give birth and the courage to do so, it just really humbles me and makes me realize how much more I have to give and how much less I need to complain and excuse myself for my poor effort at times. Effort. That is what I must monitor and measure the most.
Question #4 Why is it that the person we love the most, we spend the least amount of time with? Jot down a few of the reasons.
#1___________________ #2 ____________________
Indeed, the #1 Hole that you need to master first is to give your wife your #1 time slot each day even if it’s just a moment together at 5:30 a.m. or 11:00 p.m. It could also be just helping her fold the laundry, doing the dishes together, or sweeping the floors for her while you let her put her feet up for a few minutes and just talk with you. It may only last five minutes, but even that is sufficient until you can find more time. It is important to remember that even five minutes of closeness is better than none. I challenge you to make this ritual a consistent pattern in your life. Not only will it bring more closeness between you and your spouse, but it will also increase your communication, as you will at least have five minutes to talk with each other that day and that can keep the ball rolling.
Bonus: Valentines Day: Do something for her everyday without her knowing
Years ago I started saying to myself as Valentines came and went so quickly, “Why don’t I do this everyday for her?” And the birth of this idea came into my heart. Brent-do something for her everyday and don’t let her know. So each morning from that time on, I woke up or wake up today and I identify one thing that she needs help with and I do my best to do it without her knowing. Surprisingly she often recognizes that I have done a kind act for her or purchased something that wasn’t there before, like Where did the cute salt and pepper shakers come from, or hmm- I could have sworn that my bathroom mirror was dirty yesterday, it looks find today” This is one of the few exercises that I ask my players to do daily. It is one of the things I look forward to the most.
One of the things that drives me crazy in our culture is this so called Date Night. I get it. A movie! Chuck a Rama a local favorite all you can eat buffet, and man she complete for the week and can hardly wait until your next date. So much thought and so much time you set aside to plan this remarkable night out on the town. How’s that for sarcasm? Pretty good. I can be a sarcastic buffoon sometimes but I am barely reaching that position right now. How much time do you give for your date nights? Remember how you were courting her and you would come up with some really good ideas.? Candle light dinners, hikes, picnics up the canyon, Watching the stars shine and sunsets and sunrises that were part of the deal. I just think we have reached an all time low when it comes to spending time together, so let me ask you to go through a few questions and answers before we go any further.
Question #5 When do you plan your daily dates with your spouse?
Question #6 What are you learning/studying together as a couple?
Question #7 What is the #1 thing I can do right now to improve my marriage ? and Why
Question #8 What is one thing we can incorporate into our exercise program together? #1______________________
Question #9 When do you have your monthly financial review? _______________ Why?_________________________________________________________________
Question #10 When do you have your couple weekly council?__________________? Why________________________________
Questions #11 When do you spend time talking about the 8 areas at Trust it Coaching? Physical,mental,emotional,spiritual,financial,business,social and sexual & go over your couple 3 year plan?
One of the funniest stories about a marriage that clearly wasn’t taking the time to spend five minutes together each day is something I witnessed at church. I got home from our service one Sunday when my wife told me about something that happened in her class of all women. The class was participating in a discussion about marriage, when one of the ladies raised her hand and made a comment about how difficult her husband was being. She talked in depth about how all he wanted to do was to have sex with her, but he wasn’t communicating much with her and was often not involved in family activities. She talked about how he felt distant and that closeness that every woman longs for in her marriage wasn’t there. The following Sunday, this man happened to be giving a talk at church in front of the entire congregation when he, with a huge smile on his face, stated, “I wish everyone could have a marriage like mine. My wife and I get along so great and we are so happy together.” For a moment, the room was silent. Then, suddenly, the entire church began whispering to each other. The tension and embarrassment that his wife must have been feeling was so tangible. I looked over at my wife and she just rolled her eyes. You can imagine how the face of this man turned bright red when, a few minutes after church, he asked me why everyone was whispering when he made that comment. When I broke it to him that the week before his wife had pretty much unloaded on him at church to all the women, his red face quickly turned as white as Casper the Friendly Ghost. Classic!
Is this not the very thing we are all trying to avoid in our relationships? This type of deception creates all sorts of challenges. However, the whole point of this chapter is to give you some tools to keep your marriage from getting to this point. Keeping your wife happy by dating her every day and taking time to really make a great marriage will also make you a better dad. Thus, I don’t wish to leave you hanging here, rather I now want to present you with some suggestions on how we can effectively communicate with our spouse and strengthen our marriages.
Question #12 What are 3 ways you can better your communication?
Bonus, make it a habit to take anywhere between 5 to 15 minutes each night to pull out your notebook or journal. This is a simple exercise, where you can take down notes of the highlights of your day, things you're working on, conversations you're having or any thoughts that come to your mind. I call these “butterflies,” as these thoughts are like messengers that deliver inspirational thoughts to you throughout the day. If you are wise, you will write them down. After completing this, I challenge you to discuss them with the person that means the most to you (your wife). Here are a few questions to write down and ask yourself.
What can I do to take something off her plate?
What can I do to improve our sex life?
What can I do to help her feel more loved?
What can I do to help her with her own personals intentions and goals
Bonus, make it a habit to have a “Tarzan” moment each day Preferably at the end of the day. I get so tired of the superficial greeting, “How was your day honey?” Yeah, yeah. You know what follows, you may have a habit of doing this currently in your life. Typically, the answer is, “It was fine.” Instead of falling into this exchange, I encourage you to instead act like Tarzan with your wife. Indeed, one of the things that will make you feel like a man is when you get home, beat on your chest and sit down with your wife and actually tell her what you did that day. Let it all out, tell her everything that you did from the good to the not so good.
I call this the “Tarzan” moment because it makes all the difference to truly process your day with your wife. And by all means take the same time to listen to hers. This often does leads to other conversations, and other good things (if you know what I mean).
Grandpa D had the coolest line: “If I can’t dance, If I can’t play rook, If I can’t play golf, If I can’t drive down to Von’s and get me a double scoop of ice cream, and If I can’t play a round under the sheets with my girl, then it’s time for me to head to the greener fairways up above Brent” Now If I can do all those in one day! Then your in heaven already. No wonder I love Grandpa D so much.
One of the most difficult thing for each one of us to do is to keep that lovelight burning. I don’t know anyone in all my years who does not struggle with this. So before we hit our next shot, let’s make a list of the 20 best dates you could go on with your sweetheart. (now go grab her/him and ask.)
There are so many angles to go here but let me be brief and to the point. One of the critical things to becoming father of the year is to align some of your likes with her likes. Here are just a few ideas. She likes to walk, she like to do yoga, she loves to swim and she loves to eat good foods and she loves to golf. I WISH. NOPE that one did not make her top 10 or top 20, but she loves it when I golf with my boys. So once you have identified some of those likes just simply align your like and your time along with them. It sounds so easy but I find marriages all the time that have not given this idea much thought. Here you go, it’s your turn to identify five things that she likes and write them down here and then talk to her about them and how you can implement something that I think helps along ways to avoid the boredom, I don’t know what to do to spend some time with my spouse blues. I see it everywhere, couples just don’t learn the skills to effectively align themselves. That’s where the magic is. Alignment.
Her top 5 things to do.
Question #13 When does your spouse have alone time to work on things that fill her up?__________________________________________________
Question #14 What are two things I can do to show that she is the love of my life?
Question #15 Who are her 3 best friends? How can you both spend good time with them? Or when does she spend time with them?
Question #16 What are two Hobbies we can do together?
Understaind the layout of the course before we play!
Let me just jump in on that last one Grandpa D taught me about. “If I can’t snuggle under the sheets” It’s one of the most challenging parts of playing the course. So many times men just want to go play a quick 9 holes and be done with it and she wants to play 18. See these beautiful women that we make love to need to play a few holes and take a few strokes before they want to take you to the next tee box. Men. slow down a bit please. I can’t tell you how many people? The number is high for sure that just struggle with their game when it comes time to play the course of Love making. Like learning to hit any club in your bag correctly, you must spend a bit of time out on the range practicing a bit. Having sex is one of the key factors to playing a good round in life and it’s in this round that we truly learn what our playing partner is all about, and what makes her tick and our marriage rich and wonderful.
I am not saying that to play a quick round of 9 holes is not ok, I am just saying check in with the starter, grab a drink at the turn and be a little bit more deliberate with each shot before you take the next one. Make time for each other and to enjoy the round. Truly meaningful and fulfilling time with each other requires a great deal of thought and patience. A wonderful man once taught me, if your not taking an hour to be intimate and make passionate love, your doing something else. LIke a good golf swing in motion that we all enjoy watching, be a bit more courteous and let the other foursome play through if it means letting them play a bit faster. Study the course a bit, get to know the course. There is a reason that we play a practice round before the tournament begins or even two or three rounds. Study the Yardage sheets and the course layout. Make her your most important playing partner and slow down.
Question #17 What are 3 things I can do to enhance her lovemaking experinece
Questions #18 What are 3 things that I do or say that help her feel beautiful
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF-- don’t try and change someone else. We have all heard that a hundred times. There is a really good shot for you right around the corner if you will commit to see the best qualities in each other than what no one else sees in your partner. Why do you think it’s a great idea to have a caddy?, Caddies can see what you may not be paying attention to and that is what we all need to focus on more often. See the good stuff and do your best to just cut her some slack for the stuff that really does not matter. This is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship, that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. Don’t find fault with each other.
This means that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions. This means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment, shame and guilt. Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you. For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, not turned on sexually, and so on, you would explore your own feelings of abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning yourself.
I know of nothing more detrimental to a human soul then to not feel like he or she is enough. It is by far the most tragic plague of our time. It’s everywhere in our society and churches and personal relationships. We must conquer this plague immediately and put it where it belongs- OUT OF BOUNDS.
Have you ever seen two golfers the same? No, we all swing the club differently and even though those technical analysis freaks do their best to make everyone swing the club the same way and try so hard to see the flaws so you can then rectify them. I am not saying that we don’t change, I am saying that celebrating each other's differences is really good to build a strong and healthy relationships. We all feel so much more comfortable when we feel that people understand us or “get” us Again, you are enough! Just the way you are or as I always say “AS IS”
When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets. Since blaming one's partner for one's own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.
I spoke about this earlier, but it’s imperative to create the most wonderful relationship with the person that we care most about. Even if you have to see a chick flick. Ugghhh. Even 3 in one month. Ha. The challenge with a lot of chick flicks is that they are not like your relationship. They are not always real. But these movies can help keep the love light on and the sheets burning and that is so important. Some people say to me when I play golf. “Do you like playing the same course? Do you have a membership somewhere? And I respond by telling them that I do, but I love to shake it up a bit. Sometimes I will play the red tees and then white then blue tees and even the black tees. Sometimes we will just play with 3 clubs in our bag and sometimes we will not allow the putter to be used and that’s a very difficult game to play. I can’t over stress enough how important it is to mix things up in every area of life and of course under the covers too.
I am a big fan of fidelity and being true to the women I married and it makes it a lot easier when we mix it up a bit and as a good therapist told me one time- it’s called play time and we need to not only make time for it, but we need to play our game and allow her to play hers and stay within the boundaries that we set for one another. There are plenty of people who are far better teachers in this course than I am so I recommend that you reach out to those people and books and educate yourself extremely well on one of the most important parts of the game. The sex game.
Another great book that has opened many people eyes is the love language book that helps us to identify what language we speak most of the time. Have you read it? Get the book
Bonus: Every week go online and buy her something or stop by the store and pick her up something- Flowers monthly and create an affectionate name for her. Babydoudious is my girl.
Think Smaller: 12-18 months out-
Act Even Smaller: 90 Day Milestones (Short-Term) This is the most important part. Get your EGO out of the way and sprinkle gratitude.
So, your next step is simplify and break down your plan by taking each 12-18 month goal and dividing it into four 90-day quarters.
Spending time at social events, time with family and doing "chores" together does not count as sacred time. Instead, carve out special time to not only be intimate, but also ensure that you continue to share new experiences together such as hiking, exploring someplace new, or arranging a staycation in your own city.
Great Daddy of the Year Tips for you to impress your spouse:
#1 Each Sunday at the table you go around and say what you like about each kid/spouse
#2 Help each child to understand what they love to do?
#3 Create Intentions/Visions Not Goals. Each week.
#4 I hope I screw this up! let mistakes happen. Don’t need to be right
#5 Give Compliments and Praise all day everyday
#6 Take Ring off for a week- Pretend your not married- see how that feels.
#7 Never start a sentence with the word “YOU” Unless it’s “YOU are beautiful”
Jeffrey Holland: “Of all the things in the world that are worth your whole soul and devotion, it should be your spouse and your children. Short of being in the very presence of God, literally, you will never be more proximate to divinity than you are in the presence of your spouse and children. They deserve godly loyalty. They deserve divine attention. Husbands, when your wife asks you to do better, she's not talking about perfection. She's not criticizing you. She's saying, 'I need you. I need you to be here. I need you to listen. I need you to be nearby.' Wives, when your husbands are troubled or worried, and they will be because they would like to be perfect, too, what they need you to say is, 'You are OK now. You are alright now. We will work on perfection later. I love you like crazy right now, just the way you are.'” Elder Holland from his visit to Oxford. SO GOOD.
Top 10 Things to take away from the Chapter;
1- Daily Dates as often as possible with your spouse
2- Valentines each and every day- something where she does not know you have done it.
3- Weekly Dates with kids
4- Sunday Interviews with kids that ask the 4 golden questions.
5- Making more time for intimacy
6- What is my #1 intentional thing I want to work on in 2019 to be a better father
7- Make sure we have two vacations planned each year with as many a 4 getaways
8- Write hand written notes more often to my spouse and kids
9- Saturday = Daddy Day
10- Constantly read and search and listen on more effective ways to be a father
Make sure we are having monthly/weekly financial reviews
Make sure we are weekly meeting to discuss our 3 year plan
Let her be right as often as possible
Make sure she knows that you two are ok
"Would that there were an award for
people who come to understand the
concept of enough. Good enough.
Successful enough. Thin enough.
Rich enough. When you have
self-respect you have enough."
Gail Sheehy (Author)